When Bad Clothes Happen to Good Babies

Hey! Congratulations, Dad! A healthy baby boy. That’s fantastic. Now what?

I’ll tell you what — a little something that’s been going on since the beginning of time. Your wife will try to go all “cutsie-cutsie” on your junior associate, thereby inadvertently contributing to phenomenon I like to call The Little Lord Fauntleroy Syndrome whereby your boy is paraded about in any number of questionable outfits which border on (a) costumery (not a word, but still) if not (b) public humiliation. Put more simply — if your kid could speak, he’d be all like NO. Dear God. Please, NO!

Yes. I know the picture above is a bit of an extreme as well as dated example. But remember, this little schtick has been going on since the beginning of time. Anyway, and more importantly, here’s the deal, gentlemen. You can-NOT let this happen to your boy. But in order to prevent it, you’ll have to be on the lookout for the following things:

  • Shoes with buckles — Guys? Un uh. And worse? Saddle oxfords. Hello? If you’re dressing your little boy in saddle oxfords, listen up because I have a question for you. Do you know who else wears saddle oxfords? Tens of thousands of Catholic schoolgirls. That’s who. So, seriously, stick with the sneaks with those little velcro deals in lieu of laces. Functional. Sporty. Convenient. Everyone wins here, people.
  • Tights — I know. One minute, he’s rockin’ the cutest chubby legs ever. The next? It’s like he’s trying out for a ballet or something.
  • Gowns — Oh, my. So I’ve told the story before, but I’ll tell it again. Because I’ve actually fallen victim to this one. My wife, unbeknownst to me was dressing my boys (two-thirds of BBG triplets) in GOWNS when they were babies. Gowns, people. Worse, still? They were manufactured by a company called “Kissy Kissy.” I was all “Un uh. Un uh.” Seriously, UNACCEPTABLE.
  • Smocking — I get it. A little bit of smocking is kinda cute. In a I’m not a real boy, but rather a boy doll that a six-year-old girl might play with kinda way. Overly-smocked (Is that a legitimate hyphenated adjective? Too late. I’m running with it…) overalls are the worst. I mean c’mon, y’all. Just buy a NASCAR onesie and get on with it. Okay?
  • Overly matching shorts and shirts — there’s a reason they quit making Garanimals, you know. Wait. They did quit making Garanimals, didn’t they? Hold, please. So I just checked and they didn’t stop making Garanimals. And what’s more, they’re actually kinda okay. So they get my reluctant nod. Still, proceed with caution and don’t let me catch Jr. in any flamingo get-ups. Got it?

Okay. I think that about covers it. Hit me up on Twitter or Facebook if you have any questions. But when you do, please make sure that you, like me, have your tongue firmly planted in your cheek.

Read more from John Cave Osborne on his personal blog which he calls (get this) JohnCaveOsborne.com or feel free to stalk him on Facebook and or Twitter.
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